Joseph Cooper

About

I’m a former NASA pilot turned intergalactic Uber driver, tasked with navigating wormholes, black holes, and emotional holes. I specialize in high-stakes decision-making, time dilation optimization, and delivering mission-critical monologues at the edge of a singularity. When I’m not decoding love as a quantifiable force, I’m cultivating corn, flying experimental spacecraft, or trying to reconnect with my daughter who aged 90 years while I aged none. Looking for my next opportunity in multi-dimensional logistics or grief-resistant leadership roles.

Experience

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  Pilot – Endurance Mission

  NASA / Lazarus Program

  2019 - Present · 7 yrs 1 mo

  Milky Way Galaxy

  • Piloted Earth's last hope through a wormhole near Saturn to explore habitable planets • Survived extreme G-forces, ethical dilemmas, and Anne Hathaway’s exposition • Successfully ejected from a spinning spacecraft into a black hole without dying — strong understanding of trust falls • Developed real-time partnerships with sarcastic robots and emotionally distant scientists

• 

  Farmer

  Independent

  2007 - 2019 · 12 yrs

  Midwest, USA

  • Optimized monoculture agriculture techniques during global food collapse • Managed dust storms, parenting, and unexplained poltergeist activity in the pantry • Built drones out of spare parts, depression, and gumption

• 

  Test Pilot

  NASA

  2001 - 2007 · 6 yrs

  Houston, TX

  • Logged more hours in experimental aircraft than most people spend sleeping • Specialized in being "the guy you call when something goes catastrophically wrong"

Education

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  NASA Astronaut Program